1. Read every piece of writing advice ever written. There could be something out there you missed! Be sure to order every book online and read every article on the internet before you sit down to write.
2. Obey every piece of writing advice ever written. It worked for them, so it must work for you too, and if you don’t listen to them you’re doing it wrong.
3. Plan out every detail of your novel before you start writing it. Extensive outlines, pages of character study, a theme firmly in mind–make sure to have all of this before you start writing.
4. Read writers in your genre and despair over how you’ll never write as well as them. These people probably just went ahead and published their first drafts, after all. They probably didn’t need rounds and rounds of revisions since they are such better writers than you.
5. Daydream about your novel for ages. But don’t sit down and actually start writing it. That’s too scary.
6. Spend loads of time gathering inspirational quotes, photos, and music that will go with your novel. Anything to put off actually writing it!
7. Talk to people nonstop about your ideas for your novel. Better to get the ideas out there in the world to see if people like them before you put any effort into it.
8. Cast the movie of your novel. See #5 & 6
9. Rewrite your beginning over and over again. After all, the beginning has to be good. Best to get that perfect before writing anything else.
10. Go for a walk/clean your apartment/play with your cat/drink copious amounts of coffee and/or alcohol See #5,6, & 8
Do all these things and you’re guaranteed never to become a writer. Because, you know, that’s scary.
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